I can’t. You can. I will let You. This is a shortened version of the first three of the 12 steps of AA. I can’t. You can. I will let You. Meaning – I can’t manage my life. I can’t do this hard thing. I can’t speak to Pharaoh. I can’t write this meditation. I can’t help people heal. I can’t do it on my own. But You, You, God, can. You have the power, the capacity. And I will let You. I surrender and let You in to empower me, to help me find the divine in myself, to help me remember my Higher Power.
The Four Terms of Redemption
The parsha begins with the four terms of redemption, the arba leshonot ge’ulah, vehotzeti, vehitzalti, vega’alti, velakakhti, I will free you and I will save you and I will redeem you and I will take you (Exodus 6:6-7). What is so striking here is the repetition of the tee sound at the end of each word, indicating the first person. God says to the people – I will free you and save you and redeem you and take you. I will do all of that. Not you on your own. Not Moshe. Not the Egyptians. Only God can do that for us. As the haggadah says, Ani velo shaliah, ani velo malakh. I , God, and not a messenger, I, God, and not an angel.
God as Source of Healing
There is a deep truth about redemption and liberation here. Such processes are divine processes of healing and they cannot be done by human means, by our human manager parts that have tools and agendas and techniques and protocols and medicines. As helpful as all those truly are, they cannot free us, they cannot fully heal us on a deep soul level. Ani Hashem rofekha, God says later in the book of Exodus, “I, God, am Your healer” (Exodus 15:26). Don’t be confused – it is I who heal you. The source of true healing is always and only God.
Our Hard Work
We forget that so easily. We have strong striving parts that work really hard to make things happen. The Israelites couldn’t even hear the message of divine redemption because of their kotzer ruach and avodah kashah, their shortness of breath and hard work (Exodus 6:9). That’s us, too, in our striving mode, totally wrung out, putting in endless effort, working so hard to keep afloat, to fix things, to be ok, to help, to heal, to improve. All that intense efforting takes up a lot of space in our psyche. Can you sense how noisy and cramped it is inside when you are in that mode, like there is no room to breathe or to rest? Well, there is very little room for God in that space either. Of course we don’t hear God’s offer of redemption; we’ve blocked it out with the sound of our own hammers and nails.
A Parable
It is like a tree that we attempt to grow in a dark basement. We stand there all day holding up a lamp to give it light and dragging down buckets upon buckets of water. But no matter how hard we work, the tree shrivels up and does not thrive. Meanwhile, if we just moved the tree outside, gave it a little air and put in a little less effort, the sun and the rain would come on their own and give it the nourishment it needs. So often, through a kind of blind and endless efforting on our part, we close ourselves off from what we most need, the nourishment that only God can offer.
“Let God in to do the work”
When I was training to become a spiritual guide, every time I met with my supervisor, at the end of each session, I would write up what I had learned that day, the place I most needed to grow, and no matter what we had talked about, I always wrote the same thing – “Let God in to do the work.” Don’t block the healing that wants to happen by trying too hard. Let God in to do the work.
Emptying
So maybe we can experiment with that right now, letting God in to do the healing work that we need. There is this divine healing power in the universe that we don’t usually pay attention to or recognize or honor. It is just waiting for the space to come in. But we do need to make room for it. We are like a cup filled up to the brim. How can God pour any of Godself into us if our inner space is so crowded? So maybe imagine emptying yourself out a little bit, letting go of some of the busyness and control and agenda, the thousand arms going in a million directions, letting your mind empty and quiet a little, breathing a deep breath that offers air and space throughout your body, opening up the inner cup, acknowledging that all your striving has not in the end saved you, no matter how hard you try, that you need a redeemer of a different order. I can’t. You can. I will let You.
Inviting God In
Maybe reciting some of the terms of redemption as an invitation for God’s saving energies to fill you – vehitzalti. vega’alti. Maybe staying with just one and repeating it – vega’alti – I will redeem you. Vega’alti. Opening to the redeeming power of God. I can’t do it alone. Vega’alti. Please, God, redeem me, let me feel your redemptive healing energies. Surrendering control, feeling all the tense parts of you that hold on so tight, feeling them begin to relax and soften and open. Relinquishing more and more, another layer of effort and control and then another. Unclenching from the tree branch you have been clinging to your whole life and trusting enough to let go and fall into God. Relaxing, letting your body go all floppy like a rag doll. I surrender, I consent to your presence inside me, God. I consent to your redemptive energies inside me. Hineni. Here I am. Fill me with your love and your healing light and nourishment. Fill me up. I am open. I need You. Vega’alti. Vega’alti. Letting that redemptive energy enter and course through you.
Inklings of Healing
What healing wants to happen in you right now? Maybe that healing light can touch some of the places that are hurting and aching, that are tired or tense, sending it to them as feels right to you, maybe there is some sewing up of jagged places, wounded places, or maybe just sensing the nourishment running through you. Vega’alti. Continuing to surrender and soften, letting go again and again of control and hypervigilant holding and tension, returning to the floppy doll sensation, relaxing and letting that divine energy take care of you. Letting yourself be taken care of. Vega’alti. It is only You that can redeem me.
Unburdening
As part of the redemptive process, the Torah speaks of sivlot, burdens, and how God will relieve us from the weight of these burdens, rescue us from beneath them (Exodus 6:6). Perhaps feeling into any burdens you are carrying in your body, in your shoulders or neck or jaws, in your belly or chest or anywhere else, sensing the weight of excessive worry or responsibility or fear or shame, the heaviness of all your relentless concern, like bricks that you carry, and if it feels ok, maybe letting God take some of that off your shoulders and out of your body, turning it over, blowing it out to the waiting arms of God, or perhaps God is inside you blowing it out with you, softly, gently, carried away on the wind of spirit into the sea or the ground or the trees or the light. Letting some of it go now. This unburdening is not something you can do alone, not something your parts can do by thinking it or forcing it to happen. You need that divine healing power from another world to relieve you. It is beyond reason or explanation or control.
Also Empowering
When we make room for God inside, the feeling is not just a soft one of letting go and surrendering. Something else happens as well – we are empowered and energized. We become a vessel for God’s power, for our own particular version of it, our Higher Power. That buried piece of us that was always divine gets re-awakened and empowered to manifest more fully. It’s like lighting a flame inside us. The materials were always there, but they were faint, just a tiny spark, and now they grow strong, they are lit up and empowered by God’s energy. And so the word vega’alti, “I will redeem you,” takes on another meaning – I will re-deem you, I will restore you to your rightful worth, to your rightful power. I will redeem you to yourself.
God’s Power
Because these parshiyot we are in, they are about nothing if not God’s power, God’s fierce zero’a netuyah, outstretched arm, extended over Egypt in signs and miracles that are beyond imagining and without limit in their capacity. When we let go and let God’s redemptive energy enter us and kindle us, we also become heir to this great power in our own selves. Maybe you can feel that, too, saying vega’alti again and opening to God’s intense power coming through you, perhaps feeling it as a surge, like an electrical surge coursing through your body, awakening and empowering you to be fierce and strong in your own particular divine manifestation. Perhaps even sensing one of your own arms as a zero’a netuyah, a mighty outstretched arm, God’s might concentrated in you in that arm, like a giant muscle, the capacity to do what you need to do in this life. I can’t, but with God’s help, I can do so much more than I thought.
The I of God
God’s power is often manifested in these parshiyot through the use of the first person I; we saw it already in the four terms of redemption, vehotzeiti, vehitzalti etc. And we hear it again as God says again and again– you will come to know that Ani Hashem, that I am God. The parsha also begins with this first person: va’era, “I appeared,” in contrast to the earlier Parashat Vayera, meaning “He appeared.” There is something happening with God’s manifestation of a powerful first person I in the world, something we will also see soon in the Anokhi, the I, of the first word of the 10 commandments.
Our Own I of Power
It feels like God’s I of power somehow, inside of us, when we take it in, transforms into our own I of power. God models for us how to be powerful as an I in the world and infuses us with a divine power of our own, our own capital I self, so that we become a vessel and a conduit for divine healing and redemption. I wonder if you can feel a little of that capacity in you. First the letting go of control, the surrender, the relaxing and trusting and opening, the consent to God’s powerful I inside you, and through that infusion, how your own I is kindled and empowered to manifest in all its own fierce strength and capacity. There is in this encounter with God a strange pairing of surrender and empowerment. Both taking in the ga’alti of God and owning your own ga’alti – I, too, redeem. It is not my ego self or my striving or managing parts that redeem, but the deeper divine I that God planted in me. I, too, have that divine capacity. Perhaps feeling your own mighty arm outstretched and empowered in the world, capable of doing things you never thought you could, stronger than you ever imagined, as if you could kindle a fire with your eyes or knock aside a giant with a wave of your hand. Like Moshe, who, despite a speech impediment, was able, as conduit of God’s power, to transmit the entire Torah
Returning to Surrender
Perhaps as we close returning to the relaxing place of surrender and the knowledge that there is this divine healing available to us. Anchoring the word vega’alti in your body and your mind – ve’ga’alti, I will redeem you – as a reminder of that powerful divine redeeming energy that you can invite into your system at any point. I can’t. You can. i will let You. And then – I can.
Image by ketut-subiyanto at Pexels
