ESSAY: The Sun Shines For You (Parashat Vayishlach)

Yaakov injures his hip while wrestling with an angel, and the next morning, the Torah says – Vayizrach lo hashemesh.  “The sun shone for him” as he went on his way, limping (Genesis 32:32). 

To Heal Him

The sun shone for him. What do you mean “for him,” the midrash asks, wasn’t it shining for everyone?   Lo, lerapoto, the midrash explains.  For him – in order to heal him.  (Breishit Rabbah 78:5 and Rashi on Genesis 32:32).    

I invite you to notice the parts of you that are in need of healing, the places that you, like Yaakov, are in pain and limping as you make your way through this life, both the physical and the emotional wounds, the tightness and the aches as well as the core wounds deep in your belly. 

Embraced By Sunlight

And then maybe you can imagine yourself stepping out, like Yaakov, into bright sunlight, embraced by it. Vayizrach lo hashemesh – that word lo, “for him,” stands in the middle of the two other words, vayizrah and hashemesh, in the middle of “shine” and “sun.” He was standing in the middle of sunshine, embraced by it.   You, too, can step into that embrace, feeling surrounded by bright warm light that wraps itself around you like a coat or an aura and seeps deep into your body, finding the places of hurt and warming them, softening them, loving them, offering them some healing, perhaps like the stitching up of a jagged wound or like a warm balm that releases tension, letting the light sink in and touch you, hold you, heal you, resting inside its glow like a warm bath.  

For You

It shines for you, this light, for you in particular.  Part of the healing is learning to take in the care implied by this startling concept, that the sun shines just for you.   Consider the difference between saying “the sun is shining” and “the sun is shining for me.”  Skeptical and rational parts may come up as they did in the midrash and argue – hey, that’s not right, the sun is here for everyone, not especially for me.   Don’t argue with those parts or resist them.  They do hold a truth.  Instead, offer them a glimpse of this other truth that the Torah is inviting us into here:   Vayizrah lo hashemesh.  The sun shone for him in particular. 

Let yourself feel into the difference.  We normally go about the world in the rationalist mode of thinking –  the sun is just shining, not for me, that’s just what it does. Our stance is objective and scientific; we view the world as mechanical, impartial and distant and our own place in it as non-essential, separate, and uncared for, as if we could disappear and all would be the same.  But what happens if you say – the sun is shining for me, it came out today to greet me and heal me?  Can you sense the warmth and the love, how the universe suddenly becomes relational and connecting?  I am a part of things.  I matter and am cared for and smiled upon.  The sun shines for me.   Let your body take in this possibility.  Even if your brain is objecting, let your body taste the warmth, the light, the love, the care, the connection, the feeling of mattering, deeply mattering in the world.  Let the sun shine on you, let God shine God’s loving face upon you.  This is part of healing – for Yaakov and for us – beginning to trust that we are that loved, that we matter that much, are that intrinsic and connected in this world.  

“For Me The World Was Created”

It is not just a nice feeling.  We are actually obligated to view ourselves this way.  The mishnah in Sanhedrin famously says that each and every person, kol ehad ve’ehad, is hayav, is obligated to say: bishvili nivra ha’olam, “for me the world was created” (Mishnah Sanhedrin 4:5).  For me, bishvili.  This is why, explains the mishnah, the world was created beginning with just one person, to show that each person is equivalent to an entire world, each person has infinite unique value.  It would have been worth it to create the world for each one of us on our own.   

A Thought Experiment: You Are The First Human

I invite you to try a thought experiment: Imagine that you stand at the very beginning of time and that you in fact are the very first human that God created.  You are it.  There is no one else.  The trees and the sun, the earth and the sky, – all have been created for you alone.  Is there a voice in you that wonders if you are worth it?   Like, wait, just for me?  It’s only worth it if there are these billions of others.  How would it be worth so much effort just for little old me?  Maybe you can offer that voice a taste of this other way of viewing things – bishvili nivra haolom.  Actually the whole world was in some way created just for me.  If it had been just me at the very beginning, it would have been worth it for God to do all of this.  I am that important, matter that much to God, have that much value,  infinite, unconditional, incomparable, essential value.  Standing alone in the vast beautiful universe and taking it in, taking in the sun rising for me, the trees blossoming for me, the rain watering the plants for me to eat and be nourished.  There is nothing you need to do to deserve this care.   You are worth it.  You are worth it all.   Letting the sense of your own value seep into you like sunlight to feed the aching, starving, unloved parts of you.. You are worth it.  

All Human Mattering Begins Inside You

The whole world was created for you.  We have been led to believe that this kind of thinking is arrogant and self centered.  Our spirit has been crushed by the messaging of  – who do you think you are?  Do you think the world revolves around you?  But no. The infinite value of a human being begins at home, begins inside ourselves, with our own mattering, our own deeply held valuing of ourselves.  If I don’t matter, no one matters.  And on the flip side, once I really understand how much I matter, I see that value in each other person I encounter.  The world was created just for me and also somehow just for you, each of us a beloved universe unto ourselves.  God’s love is such that no matter how many billions of us there are on this planet, God looks at each one as if she is God’s precious only child, a gaze of endless affection and care.   

We Become That Sun

Over time, as we truly come to know our own belovedness, we ourselves become capable of this type of divine love.  We become like God, we become like the sun which shines for each person in particular.  We become that radiant when we know this truth – bishvili nivra ha’olam, “for me the world was created.”  We stop running away from our value, negating ourselves in favor of the other, and turn instead towards our own particular belovedness and out of that deep knowledge of our own value, we turn with love towards each person around us with the same overflowing warmth, becoming the sun that shines lo, for him, for poor injured Yaakov, and for all those in need.  

Becoming a “Good Guest”

There is more.  To view the sun as shining just for you is also the road to true gratitude, a way to learn to acknowledge and open to the gifts that are always with us.   In a gemara in Berakhot, Ben Zoma describes the difference between a good guest and a bad guest in this way.   A good guest says – look at how much trouble my host went to for my sake, how much meat, how much wine, all this effort made just for me.  Bishvili.  For me.   A bad guest, on the other hand, says – what did my host really do for me?  Not much.  He was cooking anyway for his family.  It wasn’t really for me (Berakhot 58a).

How are we with God – good guests or bad guests?   To say that the sun rose for me and this apple was grown for me, that isn’t self centered.  That is gratitude.  That is opening yourself to fully acknowledging and feeling how cared for you are.  That is opening yourself to the divine love all around you, seeing it and being receptive to it, the nourishment, the shelter, the children, the inklings of kindness, seeing it all not as random or incidental, but as intentionally offered to you as gifts from God and the universe.  This piece of clothing, this chair, this breakfast I ate, all this effort was made on my behalf, bishvili.  Opening to receiving this care not out of guilt or a weighty obligation to reciprocate – this love is given in grace, unconditionally, as an overflow of divine goodness –  but out of wonder and a willingness to receive love, a willingness to trust it and to believe it is intended for you in particular.  What a difference it makes to feel that a gift was intended for you.  All these gifts you have been given.  God made them specially for you.  

More Love Than We Thought

We are often hesitant to believe the gifts we get from God and from each other are really intended for us because it feels vulnerable to presume that someone cares about us that much.  But what if we did presume care?  What if there is actually more love in the universe than we thought, not less?  What if we took each gift that came our way, each sunrise and each sunset, each warm blanket and smiley hello and cooked meal, each one as intentionally directed towards us, each one as a sign of the great love and value with which we are held?    Might that not draw out the love in the universe, as if we took a highlighter and highlighted all the little hidden inklings of care in our lives.  Maybe letting yourself imagine that now, all those moments of care you have been missing, now highlighted and shining so brightly that you are indeed once again, like Yaakov, stepping out into an embrace of warm sunlight, just for you.   Letting yourself rest in that embrace, surrounded by the warmth and the light and the love, letting its healing powers seep in.  The sun rose for you this morning, the world was created for you, God looks lovingly at you right now.  Rest in that loving light.  It was made for you, to heal you.  

Image by Julián Amé from Pixabay