When God first invites Moshe to this new project of redemption, Moshe has a lot of self doubt and objections. But God stays steady and helps him see that ultimately it is not these doubting human parts that will do the job, but God working through Moshe. What would it mean for us to let go of our own doubts and mistrust and allow God in to help us do the work– whatever task the divine is continually inviting us into?
Moshe’s “I Can’t”
Moshe is approached by God to take on a new mantle of leadership, to take on the task of leading an enslaved people into freedom. His reaction is understandable. Five times in five slightly different ways, he responds with – I can’t. Mi anokhi (Exodus 3:11) – who am I, he says – I am not capable, not worthy, too small for this job. I can’t do it. I don’t know how – I don’t even know Your name (3:13). And – lo ish devarim anokhi (4:10) – more specifically, I can’t do it because I don’t speak well. I’m not the right person for this job – I’m incompetent precisely in this area. Surely there is someone better suited (4:13). The midrash imagines Moshe saying to God: look, you sent angels to redeem these people’s ancestors, you should do that again (Shemot Rabbah 3:16). Not me.
Our Own “I Can’t”
We have our own self doubting parts, the voices that arise to say – I can’t do it, I don’t know how, I’m not capable, someone else would be better, I’m bad at exactly this type of thing, not me, I’m too small. These are voices that come up in us when approached with external jobs as well as internal ones, the feeling of not being capable of what we are being invited into by the divine. As with Moshe, these voices have a tendency to keep popping up again and again, chipping away at our confidence.
Broader Mistrust
And once we are in doubt, the feeling often extends beyond our own competence to a generalized mistrust of the whole project, of the very possibility of things ever working out. Moshe had this as well. He didn’t just doubt himself. He also said – this plan won’t work. Vehen lo ya’aminu li (4:1). The people, they won’t trust me. They won’t believe that I saw God. The whole thing will fall apart. And then later, when Moshe and Aharon go to Pharaoh and Pharaoh initially makes things worse for the Israelite slaves, Moshe comes back to God with more mistrust and doubt and says: hey, things have gotten worse since you sent me, God, not better; how is this redemption ever going to work?
We have so little patience and trust sometimes. We doubt not just ourselves, but all of life, our goals, our projects, our hopes, they all feel genuinely impossible sometimes. Not just – I can’t, but – it won’t work. And indeed there are sometimes external constraints and obstacles, like Pharaoh, who, his heart as hard as a rock, became like a stumbling block standing in the way of freedom. We all have such obstacles and roadblocks – both internal and external – on our particular path, so many blocks, that it does sometimes feel unworkable.
Holding the Doubt
In the Torah, this conversation between Moshe and God has Moshe with these little outbursts and objections and God speaking for much longer sections in between. So maybe, before entering the content of God’s response, we can feel into the spatial element, sensing in ourselves how in addition to the doubting parts that are constantly poking up like a whack a mole game, there is also vast spaciousness between all of those little pop-up tweets, there is something bigger that can hold them, not by whacking them down but simply by staying steady as they continue to pop up, waiting them out with a loving firmness and confidence. It’s as if God or the divine energy inside you is saying to the doubters – it’s ok, you can squirm and struggle and pop up, keep kicking like a tantruming toddler, and I will hold you firmly through all of that until you, too, are calm. When you are shaky, I will stay steady and faithful. When you doubt, I will trust – I will trust you and know you can do this, I will wait for the doubts to subside and for you to return to knowing who you are. I will hold you with love and confidence, with tenderness and patience.
I Can’t, But God Can
What God actually says to Moshe, multiple times, is: ki eheyeh imakh (3:12), “for I will be with you.” You’re confused, Moshe. All those doubting parts think they have to do this job, that it is you, in your ordinary human capacity, that will be bringing the people towards freedom. Those parts are right about one thing – you can’t do it on your own. No human can. There are indeed certain things that are impossible for humans to accomplish through their human parts alone, things like true healing and freedom. There are problems and conflicts for which we cannot imagine the solution. But God can. In those situations, our primary job is to become a vessel through which God can work, to make room for God to do the work through us. Yes, Moshe – you can’t do it. But, God says – I can. Just let me be with you – ki eheyeh imakh – let me work through you. You asked for Me to send angels again like I used to. I am sending an angel. You are that angel. Open yourself to being that angel, the vehicle for God’s work.
Receiving
God further says to Moshe: anokhi ehyeh im pikha, vehoreitikah asher tedaber (4:12), “I will be with your mouth and I will teach you what to say.” The midrash (Shemot Rabbah 3:15) explains the word horeitikha, literally “I will teach you,” in two ways. First, that it is from yoreh, to shoot an arrow – God is shooting an arrow of speech into Moshe’s mouth. Maybe you can imagine that, opening yourself to receiving, to being such a vessel, such a receptacle, for divine words to be placed in your mouth, perhaps even violently at times, forcefully, like an arrow – there is an urgency and a power to the message; it must be said. We can open our mouths and hearts and bodies to receive, as Moshe did, again and again, God’s words, God’s Torah.
Becoming a New Creature
The other explanation the midrash offers is that horeitikha is from the root harah, to be pregnant and give birth. God says to Moshe: I will birth you afresh, I will recreate you as a briah hadashah, a new creature. Yes, in our normal human capacity, the doubters are right, we can’t do it, but deep inside us there is the potential for this new creature to emerge, waiting to be born, this creature that is infused with the divine, that performs acts beyond normal human capacities, that acts out of this vast infinite love and power. This is our true destiny, our Self with a capital S. Moshe doubted and questioned because he didn’t understand who would be doing this job. It wasn’t the normal human parts who were being invited into leadership. It was this other divine Self.
We are all born with this latent capacity. Moshe’s mother saw this capacity in him when he was born and the house was filled with light (Rashi on Exodus 2:2). She understood it was his light. We each have this light. It is this other Self buried inside us, waiting to emerge. When we struggle and doubt and strive and exhaust ourselves and find the task impossible, we need to return to that light, to that Self. Maybe you can check inside and become aware of your own light, perhaps buried but definitely there, the light of your newborn self with all its potential brilliance.
Who Is Doing The Work?
In this moment and in every moment, as we go through our day, we can ask ourselves – who is doing the work? We can notice the doubters, the skeptics, and also the strivers, the parts that try so hard and get exhausted, the parts that say “I don’t know how to do this” and “I can’t do it” and “it won’t work,” we can notice them all and gently suggest to them that it is not they that need to do this work, that perhaps they could step back and make room for God and for this higher self to step in. Who is doing the work? We can practice letting go of the doubt and the control for this one moment and letting God take over. Letting go and letting God.
The River
Moshe had an advantage in learning to let go and let God. He had the river advantage. He spent part of his infancy floating down a river, not knowing where he might end up or what would become of him. There is no greater letting go than that. So maybe as we explore what it would feel like to move out of the place of persistent doubt into a place of greater trust, maybe we can imagine ourselves into such a river as well, feel ourselves floating, letting our bodies completely relax into the water, all the tension dissolving, letting the divine current carry us where it will, allowing ourselves to trust and have patience and confidence in the process, in the river, in life, in God, in ourselves. And as we float, we can notice any controlling or needing to know or doubting parts that come up and invite them to go sit on the riverbank for a few minutes, not too far, still part of the picture, still part of us, but on the bank, as we center in the river and allow ourselves to feel its current, allow God to enter us and move us, letting God work through us to do the work, the healing work, the freeing work, that needs doing inside and outside us.
Together
This is not always easy for us to do on our own. We believe our doubting parts. We do feel incompetent and small, and the task does feel impossible. We forget to allow God in to do the work. And so, at the end of the conversation between Moshe and God, God says – ok, what you need is a partner – Aharon will be your partner. We are stronger together. We remember to float in the river when we see that others around us have entered the river as well. We support each other when we are in the place of doubt, we don’t reject the doubt and mistrust in ourselves or each other, but we offer it a broader divine holding place in the joint sanctuary that we create together. We remind each other to let God in to do the work through us.
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio at Pexels
