(Originally published in September 2021)
Teshuva, repentance, has three interfaces — God, other and self. We tend to emphasize the first two and think little of the third. Yet the three are inextricably linked; we will make only incomplete progress in the other two arenas if we don’t invest in our relationship with ourselves.
I want to look at the sins enumerated in the viduy, the repeated confession of Yom Kippur, and read them in relation to the self. Note that most of the sins described, with only a few exceptions, do not name an object, but are generalized attitudes that can be applied to any object, including one’s self.
Below I proceed alphabetically, picking out some representatives from the list of al het’s as examples of how this type of interpretation might work:
על חטא שחטאנו לפניך . . .
For the sins we have sinned before You . . .
בבלי דעת
“Unwittingly” — Our sins against ourselves are often unconscious, born of long ingrained habits of self reproach and aggression. How can we begin to notice the patterns, to pause at that triggering moment when we begin to turn on ourselves and to make a different choice?
בדבור פה
“Through the words of our mouth” (one of many related to speech) — How have we sinned against ourselves in the way that we speak to ourselves? What insults and meanness have we hurled inside that we would never think to say to someone else?
בחזק יד
“Through force” — How have we used force inside in a harsh, uncompassionate way — notice all the “should”s in your system — demanding that we measure up to self imposed standards, forcing change and productivity in a cold no-nonsense way? See how much suffering force causes inside — exhaustion and restlessness and a sense of inadequacy — and how it tramples on joy and the natural unfolding of the self. What are some ways we might motivate and move forward without the harshness and pressure of constant force?
בחלול השם
“Through the desecration of Your name” — How have we failed to honor the divine aspect of ourselves and thereby desecrated God’s name as well as our own?
בכחש ובכזב
“Through deceit and lies” — What are some of the false beliefs about ourselves that lie hidden inside, subtly undergirding our daily motivations and actions — such as the belief in our unworthiness or inadequacy or not mattering, the belief in our need to earn love and our very existence, the belief in our capacity to control everything, and the belief in our essential aloneness and separateness? How can we come to see that these are untrue, that, in their falseness, they, too, are a kind of sin, causing suffering and harm inside as well as outside of us?
בכפת שחד
“Through bribery” — What inner bribes have we agreed to take in order not to see truth or feel pain? What comfort or addiction have we used to cover over something we don’t want to feel?
בלצון
“Through scorn” — Which parts of ourselves do we scorn and mock and treat disparagingly?
במאכל ובמשתה
“Through food and drink” — How have we sinned against ourselves through eating and drinking? How have we harmed our divinely created bodies? How have we caused ourselves to suffer through too much control and judgment around food, or used food or drink as a way not to feel what needs to be felt?
בעיניים רמות
“Through haughty eyes” — Sometimes we sin against ourselves through pride, by thinking that we need praise in order to matter, by pursuing ambition in order to protect the parts of us that don’t feel worthy — thereby only perpetuating the cycle, temporarily filling the hole, but further strengthening the notion that we need such praise in order to matter in the world. How can we hold our sense of center steadily, with equanimity, through both praise and blame, pride and shame?
בפריקת עול
“By casting off the yoke” — We regularly cast off the yoke of our commitment to ourselves, our commitment to taking care of our needy parts, our responsibility to listen and attend and be true to ourselves. How many times have we abandoned ourselves in our neediest moments, rejecting instead of nurturing at the very moments when we needed the nurturing most? When we throw off the yoke of caring for ourselves, we also throw off the yoke of the God who gave us this one precious life to live and enjoy and be true,
בפלילות
“Through judgment” — See how we judge ourselves so harshly, how the inner critic finds constant fault, not favor, with what we do, who we are, what we say. Surely this harshness is a sin against ourselves and the many suffering parts of us that need not judgment, but love. We ask for forgiveness for this inner critic, so that even this tendency to judge ourselves may be wrapped in a blanket of divine compassion on this day.
בריצת רגליים להרע
“Through running to evil” — We run away from what we are feeling; we don’t stay and tend and allow and feel. And this running away — towards something we think will save us but never does, or if it does, does so only temporarily — this running away hurts us, makes our neediness feel abandoned; adds another layer to our suffering, an aloneness. How have we sinned against ourselves by running and not staying, and how can we learn to stay, to stay with what is, to stay with what aches, not to fix and heal — another kind of running — but just to stay.
בשנאת חנם
“Through baseless hatred” — How often have we sinned against ourselves through hatred — falling into the trance of self aversion or self loathing, seeing ourselves through an ugly prism that distorts and misshapes until we are so sick of ourselves we sometimes wish we could disappear? Notice the hatred turned inward, how heavy and baseless and debilitating. We ask for forgiveness for this sin because it, too, no, it, especially, is a sin before the God who made us as we are.
בתמהון לבב
“Through confusion of the heart” — Confusion often comes to obfuscate the way to an open heart, in order to protect us from fully feeling whatever pain has arrived. It is a running away, another form of self abandonment. We hold it, too, in compassion, but ask for forgiveness for the additional suffering it causes, for its role in blocking the way to clarity and truth and an alive heart.
For all of these, O Lord of Forgiveness, we ask for forgiveness.
We ask You to hold all these harmful tendencies in Your abundant loving kindness, and to help us, too, learn to hold them — and all of humanity — in that larger space of love, the river of forgiveness that wants to wash over us all on this day.
