Before meeting Esav, Yaakov has a night encounter with an angel that helps him make an internal shift inside himself from hiding to standing tall. What is the nature of this shift and how can we embody it as well?
Hiding
Up until now, Yaakov has been a hiding personality. We can see him in his mother’s womb crouching low to hold on to his brother’s heel from behind, and then we can see him later, hiding behind the furry skins of his brother’s clothing in order to receive his father’s blessing. He is not confident in his own right to exist, to take up space and be loved and blessed. He hides and disappears and tries to get what he needs from behind, in the dark. Katonti, he says, “I am small,” too small to deserve God’s gifts, which is a lovely sentiment, but for Yaakov here also has a truth to it about how small and insecure he feels, how undeserving of love and blessing.
We, too, sometimes feel small and unsure, undeserving of blessing. We, too, sometimes feel like hiding or disappearing or standing in the shadow of another person, scared to come out into the open fully as who we really are. We can feel that in our bodies as the urge to curl up in a ball, to retreat, to crawl into a little space and hide.
Standing Up
But Yaakov has a different experience this week in his encounter with the angel. He is levad, alone, and he discovers within himself the power to stand up to face this angel, panim el panim, face to face, as an equal.
Maybe you can find that power inside yourself as well, the power to move from that crouched, low, hiding position to stand up tall and meet challenges as an equal, not to cower in timidity and insecurity, but to stand up in your full strength. You can feel that physically, in your legs as they uncurl and stand tall and firm, in your body as you stretch to your full height, in your arms as they extend; you can breathe yourself bigger in the chest like a peacock proudly spreading its feathers, sensing your own power surge through your body. I am me and I am here, ready and able to face what comes, standing tall and firm and sure inside myself.
I am Me
A few weeks ago, during the blessing ceremony, when Yitzhak asked Yaakov “who are you, my son,” Yaakov could not stand in his own shoes and say – here I am, I am Yaakov. Instead he said – I am Esav your eldest. But now when the angel asks, what is your name, Yaakov can own his own identity. I am Yaakov. And it’s ok to be Yaakov. I can stand tall as Yaakov.
Can we do that, too? Can we own ourselves, claim ourselves, fully inhabit this precious self God has given us? Not abandon ourselves, not wish we were someone else, but be ourselves and declare it, shout it out from the rooftops – I am me and that is ok, that is enough. I do not need to be anyone else. Maybe you can take off the clothing and trappings and masks you wear, like Yaakov in his brother’s fur, see if you can feel yourself removing some of those pretenses, how we pretend to be someone else, maybe someone we admire or that the world admires, just noticing what is not yours and letting it fall off you so that you can simply be yourself, so that you can stand tall in yourself and say – I am me.
Asserting Needs Directly
When we claim ourselves in this way, we are claiming not just the right to exist and take up space but also the right to have needs and to express our needs directly. No more backdoor manipulation and disguise in order to get love and blessing. We can stand tall like Yaakov with the angel and say directly and assertively – bless me now. We do not have to beg for such love and blessing. We don’t have to cower and be tentative and apologetic. We can simply ask, maybe even demand – bless me.
It reminds me of Honi the Circle Maker. He stood in his circle and said to God – I’m not leaving this circle until you bless us with the rain we need. Yaakov similarly held on to the angel and would not let him leave until he received his blessing. To be so demanding of blessing may seem like arrogance or even spoiled childishness. But there is also something deeply true and trusting about this attitude, an inner confidence and knowing that says to God and to the world with strength and self assurance– I claim my right to be blessed. This is the hutzpah of knowing the truth of God’s love for you, of how much you in particular actually do matter. I will stand here until you bless me.
Discovering Our Divine Aspect
The blessing that comes to us when we claim ourselves and our needs in this way is that we gradually come to discover that we are more than who we thought we were. We find out that we are not just Yaakov, the heel grabber, but also Yisrael, a prince of God.
Perhaps the experience with the angel had something of a mirroring effect for Yaakov, helping him see his own divine essence reflected in the face of this divine being. Yaakov says of the encounter: ra’iti Elokim panim el panim. “I saw God face to face (Genesis 32:31).” Maybe it was like looking into water, kamyaim hapanim lapanim, “as face answers to face in water (Proverbs 27:19).” Yaakov’s encounter with this angel helped him see, mirrored for him, reflected back in the water, his own divine angelic essence. Indeed, it should be noted that Yisrael with its “el” ending is in form an angel’s name, like Michael or Gavriel. (This may explain why the angel he encountered refused to tell Yaakov his own name – maybe the angel’s name was in fact Yisrael and he was giving it to Yaakov.) In any case, what happened in this “face to face” encounter to Yaakov is that he discovered that he, too, is an angel of sorts.
Maybe you can picture yourself standing by a lovely still lake and leaning over to look at your own reflection in the water and asking – who am I really? What is my essence? Perhaps you can see the vast blue sky also reflected in the water, and you remember your own corresponding vastness. You can sense that you are not just the narrow hiding Yaakov, but also this expansive Yisrael being, a creature of God.
Our Nobility
There is also implied in the name Yisrael a great regalness and dignity. Yisrael has the word sar in it, meaning prince or nobleman, like his grandmother Sarah. Maybe you can feel into your own nobility: you were leaning over the water to see your reflection, maybe crouching low on the ground, but now you straighten up, sit a little taller, head held high, carrying yourself with a regal bearing.
Our Internal Authority
Sar is also related to the word serarah, meaning authority (see Rashi on Genesis 32:29). To claim ourselves in this way is to claim our own inner authority, our integrity. We can trust ourselves and our own inner knowing, and this breeds in us an air of confidence and self reliance. We know who we are and what we are about. We don’t have to try on other people’s clothing or rely on other people’s knowing or authoirty. We have everything we need right here inside us. We are our own sar, in charge of ourselves. Trusting ourselves, deeply trusting our own inner authority.
Confidence
Vatukhal (32:29)– the angel says to Yaakov – you have striven with beings divine and human and – vatukhal – you are yakhol, you are capable, you have succeeded, you can do it and now you know you can do it. Yaakov emerges from this encounter with a message of confidence, a knowing of his own capacity to face what is difficult and survive. Yes, he may get injured along the way, as he does here, but he will still pull through. He can handle what life brings. Maybe you can hear an angel whispering that to you now – vatukhal – You are capable. You can do this. Whatever comes next, you will be able to stand tall and face it.
Not a Linear Shift
Yaakov makes a shift here. He moves from crouching low and hiding to standing tall and confident. But the thing is that he doesn’t stay that way. His name is changed to Yisrael here, but for the rest of his life, he remains known as both Yaakov and Yisrael. He remains in both his unsure small broken very human Yaakov self and in his regal, self assured divine Yisrael self. Yaakov was both and we are always both. We stand up and we fall down, we get up and we fall down again. Both energies live right next to each other inside us.
Maybe this dual nature of ours is somehow redemptive, not easy – Yaakov’s life and our lives are never easy – but maybe in some way redemptive. Because it seems unlikely that either we or the world will ever entirely stop being broken. So what is left to us is to learn to hold the brokenness, to offer some of the Yisrael energy to support and tend to and accompany the Yaakov parts. Maybe each of us, in our Yisrael-ness is in fact an angel, as Yaakov glimpsed that night in the mirrored image of the angel he fought with, maybe we are each an angel sent to love and care for the brokenness of our own Yaakov parts and the Yaakov parts of each other and of the wider broken world.
A Circle of Light Just For You
When Yaakov stepped out after that night of struggle and transformation, the Torah says vayizrah lo hashemesh (32:32). The sun shined for him, just for him. As we conclude, stepping right now out into your own private circle of divine sunlight, a spotlight directed at you and for you. You can rest in that light and be warmed and embraced by it, letting it enter every crevice and pore of your body to nourish and heal you as you step back into your day as both a Yaakov and a Yisrael.
Photo by tima miroshnichenko
